Why do blondes like sunroofs? More legroom!
A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.
"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.
"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."
The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she traveled to the sun because she thought it was a cheese ball.
Q: If a cowboy rides into town on Friday, and three days later, he leaves on Friday, how does he do it?
A: The horse's name is Friday.
A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.
Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."
Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.
The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
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